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Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I recently was with my tennis group on some public tennis courts. We had 6 ladies show up that day, and we hired 2 instructors that are pre-paid for a semester. We reserved two courts with our city tennis department. When we got there, there was another instructor giving a lesson to a woman. I politely told him we reserved the court, and needed it. He claimed he reserved it. We went back and forth about it, and the woman who was taking the lesson from him said we needed to stop discussing it, because this is her lesson, and I was taking up her time that she is paying her instructor for.

I called the city to see if they made a mistake by double booking the court. They said my group had reserved the courts, and the other instructor had not. When I went back to tell the teaching pro what the city said, he said we should compromise, and let him use the court until 9:00, since his client was paying for the lesson. It was 8:35 at the time, and our lesson is from 8:15- 9:30. I told him no, we are all paying for our lesson, and two instructors, so I asked him nicely (but firmly) to give us our court please. Do you think that was the right thing to do? I then thought I should go apologize as they walked off, but my friend said that I should not have to. What do you think?

L.N.M.

Dear L.N.M.,

I agree with what you said and did. I was recently criticizing myself for not being assertive enough in a situation similar to this. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, and for your group. It does not matter whether this other instructor was lying to you, or made a mistake and forgot to book the court, he is wrong, and you are right. It sounds like your city has rules and a process in place for a good reason. It is to resolve conflicts such as this one.

I do not think that you needed to apologize after the whole episode was over. I think they should have apologized to you, since they were wrong, and wasted your time, since you were the one who had to call the city, and had to speak to them about it at least two times.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I recently received an Evite invitation. I am unsure if it is just for my child, or my whole family. Is it okay to ask the host?

C.T.

Dear C.T.,

Yes, feel free to ask the host. Evites are tricky because if you have a young child, the parent is obviously not aware if your child has an email account. Even if your young child does have his own email, an adult probably would not send an invitation to a young child’s email, but to the parent’s email. Since the Evite is coming to you, I can understand why you are unsure who the invitation is addressed to, especially if it is a class party, and you really do not know the family.

When you receive an invitation in the mail, always check who it is addressed to. If it is for your whole family, it will say “The Smith Family.” If it is just your child, it will say, “Miss. Sandra Smith.” If siblings are invited, hopefully the host states that on the invitation. Feel free in any situation to clarify who is invited, and who is not from your family. The host should appreciate that you are trying to do the right thing.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Nov 6, 2009 11:01 AM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

Great Sportsmanship Does Exist in Youth Team Sports

Last weekend my 5^th grade son had a Chamber League soccer game. The team they played was a lot better than my son’s team, and our team got beaten so badly, that we are unsure of the score. I am not sure if the team was officially a school team, but most or all of the players were from St. Moncia’s School in Dallas. The coach, John Bubel, is the kind of coach that I would aspire to be like if I were a coach. He is a perfect example of how youth team sports should be coached.

To describe how Coach Bubel and the St. Monica’s team showed exemplary sportsmanship, I am paraphrasing from a letter that my husband wrote to the principal of St. Monica’s.

“Early in the game, it was clear that the St. Monica’s team was a superior team, and seemingly scored at will. As the game began to get out of control, the St. Monica’s team stopped pressing and attempting to score. The coach apparently instructed the boys to work on their passing, and told them not to move the ball past midfield, thus eliminating the urge for the boys to score even more. We suspect he even told the boys to not score another goal. I don’t know what the final score was, as I lost count. We ended up scoring a goal toward the end of the game, giving our boys a moral victory. Even the St. Monica’s parents cheered and applauded when our team scored.

In today’s uber-competitive world of sports (and everything else for that matter), it was nice to see a team and coach show compassion and true sportsmanship by tapping on the brakes and refraining from embarrassing a team even more than they already were. I am as competitive as anyone, and have been on both sides of the team in lopsided games.

After the game, the kids and parents were complimentary of our boys’ play, and the coach walked over and offered the team’s doughnuts to our boys in a classy show of sportsmanship. Kudos to the coaches, teachers, administrators and School of St. Monica’s for teaching kids to be humble in winning.”

The next day we received an email from our team manager, and he told us that Coach Bubel realized later that our team was down a man, and he said if he would have known this, he would have played with one fewer player as well. John Bubel, thank you for showing our children and other coaches that great sportsmanship in youth sports does exist. I have a feeling your team is equally gracious whether you win or lose, and to me, that is the key to great sportsmanship.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Oct 30, 2009 11:14 AM

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Elise McVeigh's Manners Camp Column

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My daughter started a new school this year. What should you do when a child asks your child for a play date, and you have never met the child or the parents before?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

If you know other people at the school, ask other parents if this family is safe, and nice. If you do not know anyone at the school, here are a few other ideas. If this is a young child, ask the mother to meet you in a neutral location, such as the park, or a restaurant, with the kids, for a play date. If it is an older child, call the mother and see if you can meet for coffee or lunch first. You can say something like, “My daughter really likes your daughter, and would love to get together. She thought it would be great if we could meet too.“ The mother will probably be happy to check you out too.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I was recently at the grocery store and got behind a couple who were in the “15 items or less” line. They had about 40-50 items. I had the appropriate amount of items for the line, and they did not offer to let me cut ahead of them. I ended up confronting them, and it turned into voices being raised, etc… Do you think I was out of line for doing this? (No pun intended.)

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I do not think nicely pointing out that someone is doing something wrong is a bad thing. In this case you were being inconvenienced, and this couple should have at least offered to let you go ahead of them. If you are ever in this situation again, (and perhaps you did this), you can say something like, “Excuse me, did you realize that you are in the 15 item or less line.” If the say yes, and do not budge, you can then feel free to ask them to let you cut ahead. If they do not, unless the cashier steps in, there is not a lot that you can do about it. Some people are just stubborn, and you sometimes have to let things go.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Oct 15, 2009 1:25 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My dear, sweet husband and I were at a party last week, and he did what everyone does just once. He asked a woman when she was due. Guess what? She is not pregnant. After she embarrassingly told him she was not pregnant, he turned red, mumbled an apology, and slinked away. The whole group standing there was horrified. I guess that happens to everyone at least once in their life. Should he now call the woman and apologize again, or just let it go. We both feel terrible about it!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

That does happen to a lot of people, and as a result, we never ask someone if they are expecting again. I think your husband, and the woman, are embarrassed enough, and there is no need to mention it again. Etiquette says to not mention anything that would make a person uncomfortable, so I would let it go. Your husband apologized once, and that is enough.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

Recently I have been to various meetings where there has been some kind of speaker. They have included an Open House at our son’s school, a Sunday school class, as well as several other similar venues. I noticed at all of these meetings that people who arrived late chose to walk in front of the speaker, when they had a perfect opportunity to walk around or behind the person at the front speaking. Have rules changed about this? Would you kindly mention this in your column, and remind people how rude this is? Thank you.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The rules definitely have not changed, and walking in front of a speaker is very rude. If there is not an opportunity to quietly go around a speaker, then stand at the door, and wait until an appropriate break to walk in and take a seat. The speaker may invite you to walk in front of him, and if he does, then feel free to do so, accompanied by an apology to him.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Oct 12, 2009 4:00 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

How to be there for someone when a Tragedy Occurs

A recent tragedy to a family in my community is prompting me to write about how to be there for someone when a tragedy occurs. It is not the first time that my small community has gone through this type of crisis. From my personal experience in helping a family in sudden crisis, and from gathering information from people who have personally experienced one, here is some advice that can help you most effectively get someone through a crisis.

When you first hear about the crisis, see if someone has taken charge. Consult that person to see if the family would like people to come by, or to initially respect their privacy. Whichever it is, acknowledge the crisis however you can, as soon as possible. If the family requests no visitors at this time, still drop by a note.

When you do offer sympathy for the situation, just say sorry. PERIOD! This sympathy may be followed by a “We are thinking about you,” or if the person is religious, “We are praying for you,” but leave it at that. Do not say “I know how you feel.” If it is a death, do not say, “He lived a great life,” or “You can take comfort that he is with God now.” I have heard from so many people that they resent each of these types of comments, for different reasons. You do not know what is going through the person’s mind in a time of tragedy, so an “I am sorry,” is the best thing that you can say.

Do not ask the family what you can do, just do it. Things that help include meals, play dates with their typical friends if children are part of the family, gifts for the children and parents, encouraging cards and notes, sending over a cleaning person, and even offering to address envelopes for thank you notes. You can also find someone who has had this type of crisis before, and ask him or her to reach out to the family, and to offer support.

Determine if you need to be the Chief, or an Indian. Someone needs to take charge, and others need to follow his lead. It is hard for the family in crisis to know what they need, and they often do not feel comfortable asking for the extensive help that people are willing to give. Also, the family only has time to communicate with one person. If you need to be the chief, step up to the plate, organize everything in an efficient way, and constantly communicate with the Indians. There are several on-line tools that coordinate meals, etc… for community members in crisis.

If you see that someone close to the family has taken charge, and is trustworthy, become an Indian. If you feel like you want to do more than one thing, communicate to the Chief everything that you want to do, or offer to take over part of the coordination.

Lastly, remember that something such as a sudden death in the family is not a few months crisis. After the funeral is over, most people go about their own business again. Be there for that family in the months, and even years to come. Remember the anniversary of the person’s death, and drop the family a note, a gift, or even a verbal acknowledgement for the first few years. The holiday season is especially hard for people who are experiencing any kind of tragedy. I was part of an anonymous gift “drop-off” at a friend’s house, where we made sure the family had a gift waiting for them on their porch every morning during the holiday season. For cancer patients, chemo-fairies are common, where friends and acquaintances drop-off gifts during the tough days that a cancer patient receives his or her chemotherapy treatments.

Whatever sudden crisis happens in your community, be proactive in helping the family. If it is your best friend, an acquaintance, or someone you have just heard about, being part of their healing is one of the greatest thing that you can do.

For more tips on etiquette and organization, go to elisemcveigh.com.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Oct 4, 2009 12:34 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

What can we do about the Bad Economy bringing out Bad Manners?

A crisis can bring out the best in people. Think of September 11^th! Remember how people became nicer to one another, churches, temples, and synagogues were packed, and Americans overall were looking out for each other, like we were one big family. Fast forward to one of the worst economic times we have ever had – today! Jobs are being lost, homes are being foreclosed on, and our big American family is very stressed-out. This is causing us to not be as well-mannered as we could be.

I have heard the statistic that the number one thing that couples fight about is money. That is easy to believe. Being stressed-out that you can not pay your bills, pay your child’s school tuition, can not find a job, can obviously put a lot of stress on a couple, and their family. When we are worried or upset about something, we tend to take it out on others, without even meaning to. When I am stressed, I find myself yelling at my kids. I try to catch myself pretty fast, and realize that I am not mad at them, but stressed out about something else. I then immediately apologize, and say something like, “Sorry guys – I should not have yelled at you. I am not really upset at you, but at something else. You know how I get when I get stressed out.” Stress makes us say and do things that we do not mean to do.

A friend told me that she was at her local Tom Thumb the other day, and witnessed two ladies get into a fight over a parking spot. She sized up the two ladies, and wondered if it was not really about the parking spot, but more of a result of two people feeling tense about their lives. I am sure everyone can think of examples of nice people not acting so nicely.

What can we personally do to help the situation? If we realize why we are not being as polite as we could be to one another, then maybe we can change our behavior. To help others with this problem, try being understanding when out of nowhere someone you know, or don’t know, says something rude to you. Instead of retaliating, take the high road, and say nothing. Let the person get it all out, and if you say nothing, he or she will hopefully back down, and realize how terrible he or she is sounding. You may even end up with an apology. If you find yourself being short-tempered with someone, apologize to them as quickly as possible. Even if it is a stranger that you have to run after to say that you are sorry moments later, I know the person will be stunned, but very grateful. You may just make them think about the good of people, and forget about their own problems, even just for a moment.

For manners and organization tips, go to elisemcveigh.com.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Sep 25, 2009 1:30 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

Celebrity Behavior is a Wake-up Call to all about how kids are being raised!Manners and our public figures – it is not going very well the past few weeks, is it? As the public has spoken out this week, I am concluding that you do not have to be a manners expert to be disgusted with the behavior of today’s celebrities. What I am concluding is there is not a problem with just celebrities, but a problem with the way we are raising our children.

Let’s start with the U.S. Open tennis championship. Serena Williams loses her cool as she is losing her match, and tells the official who issued her a foot fault that she is going to shove tennis equipment down her throat. (This is censored for our younger readers.) Then you have men’s tennis champion Roger Federer questioning officials during his U.S. Open match, and according to the tennis commentator, this was not the first time that he has used profanity when questioning officials. Days later I read an article that Williams is not going to have any endorsement fall-out over the incident. What that is saying to me is that we have now accepted her offensive actions and personality, and that people have lowered their standards of what type of behavior is tolerated in our society. Everyone seemed outraged at the incident, but the fact that her sponsor’s marketing strategists do not think it will effect their sales, or their image, people are obviously not upset enough if they will still purchase her endorsed products.

Kayne West – you may be sick of hearing about this, but I can not go without mentioning him. Yes, the man has apologized, more than one time, for interrupting Taylor Swift’s award’s ceremony speech, by saying Beyonce’ should have won the award instead. It stunned everyone who heard about the incident, but are people really going to stop buying his music because of his behavior?

Now let’s talk about the kids and young adults of today. We can blame celebrity behavior all day long for the reason younger people are often rude and disrespectful, but it is not just celebrities. Look around at the young people that you know. We have lowered our standards on how kids and young adults should behave. What is sad is among my friends, we talk about the ones who are so polite and respectful, as if it is out of the norm. Of course there are rude people in this world of all ages. Rudeness does not escape any generation. What I am saying is as a whole, each generation of kids and young adults seem to get more disrespectful as the years go on.

Why is this all happening? Manners started escaping us in the 80s when parents had to start putting their kids in activities, because kids could not roam our neighborhoods safely anymore. Organized activities are better than sitting around the house watching televisions and playing video games. As a result, we have generations of adults and now children, who do not know table manners, and who did not have the opportunity to learn life’s lessons during the dinner hour. We now have a generation of disrespectful, self-centered, foul mouthed young adults. As I said, celebrities are not the only ones out there acting this way. They are just a reflection of a lot of their generation.

Parents, teachers, and coaches of school aged children like me, here is our big chance to make a difference in our world, and decide now that we are going to stop this trend. We all have those friends who let their children use disrespectful words when speaking to them, and to others. Do not put up with it. I know you sometimes get tired of correcting behavior all day, and sometimes get beaten down. What I do not understand is how you can let your child or your students speak to you in a bad tone, or use words that are disrespectful. If they are speaking to you that way, they are speaking to other teachers, their friend’s parents, the store clerk, and perhaps someday a tennis line’s judge, in the same disrespectful way. Nip it in the bud now. Do not let them get away with even one comment! If you hear a child act disrespectfully towards anyone, I say it takes a village, and feel free to correct the child. You are doing the parent and our society a big favor! Let’s be known as the generation of parents and teachers that have raised the nice, polite, and respectful young adults. We owe it to our kids, to one another, and to our country!

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Sep 18, 2009 2:07 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

Politics and Politeness – Not Happening in the good old USABy Elise M. McVeigh

When people became down right nasty when George W. Bush was in office, I thought that as Americans, we were reaching a new low. I understand that a lot of people were so mad, and so done with him as a president. I was offended because I did not think he was as bad as a lot of people said, I was offended because it seemed so disrespectful to me. Freedom of speech is what this country is based on, but freedom to be excessively rude is not going to cut it. This all came to a head for me when I heard a senator shouted out “liar” to President Obama during his speech on health care reform last week. If he is a liar on this issue or not, this senator should have kept that thought in his head, or in the very least have mumbled it under his breath to himself. Where do we draw the line when it comes to our public opinion of our president?

The issue of President Obama addressing school children was then next. My first thought was that he just wanted to act presidential, and give them some encouragement. I was shocked when I heard it debated everyday on the news for at least a week. I know that the first President Bush addressed school kids, and the Democrats attacked him about it, so a lot of people said it is only fair to now criticize President Obama for doing the same. As it turned out, President Bush showed that he did not have a political agenda, and did not intend to brainwash the children of America. As we heard last week, President Obama did not push his political agenda on any 8 year olds either. It was just a simple of message of staying in school will get you further in life. Did you really think your child was going to come home spouting off statistics on why his health care reform plan must be put in place right away? Really?

Some call in unpatriotic to be so openly critical about the president. Our country prides itself on having a two party (plus) political system, and we all agree that the checks and balances that it brings to our system is what keeps us democratic. What we do not agree about is what is appropriate about what we say about our politicians, and who can say what. When I heard Nancy Pelosi use a word such as idiot, when speaking about President Bush, while he was in office, I became so disgusted with the disrespect that our now Speaker of the House would have for her President. Just because they are on different sides, does not mean that she has to publicly act so unprofessional about her feelings about him. I honestly do not think I could have stood to be in the same room with her after that, if I were President Bush. People’s “political” manners are spinning out of control, and now President Obama is experiencing the brunt of it.

From an etiquette stand point, here is what I see as appropriate and inappropriate when discussing the president publicly. If you are among friends, and you know that you on the same side politically, and in a place where others are not listening, go to town on all of the negative comments that you would like. If you have a close friend or family member that you enjoy having a lively political debate with, make sure that you both understand what is offensive to one another. I had a friend tell me the other day that a former high school acquaintance became so mad at him about the political discussion that they were having in a Facebook group discussion, she undid him as a “Facebook Friend.” I can not comment on the discussion first hand since I did not take part of the discussion, but someone must have gone too far, if it got to that point.

If you ever are in a public political forum, of course it is fine to disagree with our president, but choose your words carefully. I can argue with anyone about anything, and still sound respectful to the person. Married people, adult siblings, and adult parents and their offspring do it all of the time. I can tell my mother that I disagree with her about any topic anytime, and I know how to use a polite tone in my voice, and I choose my words carefully. Your mother and your president are figure heads in your life. They both deserve a lot of respect publicly, even when you blatantly disagree with either one of them! That is just good manners.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Sep 13, 2009 4:05 PM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,I was recently in a mall retail store, and I could not help but hear the employees discussing something very inappropriate. One employee was telling the others about a gay strip bar (in detail) that he went to that weekend. The other employees had been there or had heard about it, and were giving their two cents on the bar as well. A few days later, I was at my local coffee shop, and one employee was telling another employee about a fight that he got into with a friend, and said how (excuse me for saying it now) “pi_ _ed off” he was at his friend. He used that word at least 5 different times – loudly! Do you think this is appropriate? What is wrong with people these days? Has our society gotten that relaxed that having conversations like these is acceptable in our retail stores, where the customers can obviously hear what they are saying? I felt like telling them all to watch their language and conversation content, but I am not the confrontational type of person, so I kept quiet about it. What would you have done?Frustrated Reader

Dear Frustrated Reader,I would have been very tempted to tell them to please watch their language. To us it is common sense that in a business situation you are especially careful about the words you choose to use. This should be standard for around an office, and especially around customers.

If you would like to take action on this, and are not a confrontational person, I would make an anonymous call to the manager of the store and tell him/her what was said by his employees. You can tell him that as a customer you expect a higher level of professionalism, and common sense. It seems that businesses these days need to train their employees on what is appropriate, and what conversations need to be saved for after hours. I am not sure if it is because these employees are young, and this is a generational issue, or if people these days have accepted a lower standard of “good manners.” Either way, I agree with you that these types of conversations and words are in poor taste.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,We recently went to a friend’s house for dinner. The husband took out his napkin, and blew his nose in it. He said “excuse me,” but I still thought it was sort of gross. What is the official etiquette on this? If you say “excuse me,” does that make it okay?Grossed Out Diner

Dear Grossed Out Diner,Official etiquette says that you need to excuse yourself from the table, and blow your nose in private. Using a napkin for anything other than wiping your mouth, or catching food on it, is inappropriate. If someone does something inappropriate (or gross) at the table, not calling attention to it is the best thing that you can do. It sounds like that is what you did, so you did the right thing.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Sep 4, 2009 11:44 AM

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Elise McVeigh's Life Camp Column

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,This always irritates me. My wife and I go to our local nursery, and I ask the guy about a certain product. But then she answers my question and doesn't give him a chance. I fuss later because I wanted to hear what he had to say, and she tells me that I don't value her opinion.... I value her opinion but NOT when I ask the guy who works at a nursery and this is the product I'm interested in buying. I want to hear what he says, not her. I try to tell her beforehand that I'm going to ask questions, and DON'T answer them. Then she gets kind of frustrated. ... Is this a common problem among couples? Any suggestions?Gary P.

Dear Gary P,I think you have taken the right approach by saying something to her each time before you go into the store. Her frustration could be from your wording, or from your tone of voice. We all hate to be criticized – especially criticism from a spouse. I have a few possible solutions for you.

The first solution is next time you go to a nursery, on the way there, tell her that you know she is very knowledgeable about gardening or a certain product, but does she think you should get a second opinion from a salesperson? Lead her to believe that it is her idea, and get her to ask the question. If she cuts herself off while he is answering, you can nicely point that out to her when he walks away. It sounds like she feels like an expert, and wants to be in charge of the situation.

My second suggestion is to find an excuse to split up while in the store, and question the salesperson when your wife is out of earshot. You could also do some preliminary research on the phone, or make a trip to the store alone, before you go as a couple.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,I recently went to a restaurant, and they served bread right on the table. No plate or anything! There was a table cloth on the table, with white butcher paper on top of that. Is this okay? What do you think?D.K.

Dear D.K.,Putting bread directly on the table is not what I would obviously call “traditional etiquette.” From an etiquette stand point, as well as a personal point of view, I would say this restaurant should reconsider their thinking on this issue. They are probably just trying to be trendy or different, but putting food directly on a table does not sound like the way you would want to “stand out” in the restaurant business.

Posted by Elise M. McVeigh on Aug 28, 2009 2:19 PM

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