I'd really like to be a best boy on a movie production. I have no idea what a best boy actually does, but it would certainly be nice to have all the positive reinforcement that comes with the job title.
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Since it doesn't have a taste, there's no such thing as a water connoisseur, which is a shame. Just once, I'd like to hear somebody take a sip and comment on how you can really taste the hydrogen.
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There's nothing finer than a really strong mustache. And there's nothing worse than a really creepy one.
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Ever have one of those times where you wake up to your alarm, then fall back asleep with the alarm on, only to have the noise of the alarm work its way into your dream?

That's why I wake up to the sound of people cheering, chanting my name and offering me millions of dollars. I have great dreams.

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Working in an office full of women: the gift that keeps insulting you and making you feel like a doofus.
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Everyone's head is shaped like a vegetable. Not the same vegetable, mind you; it's unique to each person. Some have carrot-shaped heads, while others have tomato-shaped heads.

My head is definitely shaped like an eggplant.

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Hand sanitizer has two uses: cleaning your palms and making you smell like a boozehound.
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If I spent between four and ten hours every day drinking, you'd probably say that I have a disease called alcoholism.

If I spent between four and ten hours every day watching television, you'd probably say that I have a television addiction and that I have a serious problem.

If I spent between four and ten hours every day cleaning or brushing my teeth, you'd probably say that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

So why does sleeping get a pass? I'll tell you why: because the politicians and the media are in the pocket of Big Mattress Companies. It's Big Mattress that's killing our way of life.

Consider this the first shot in my War on Sleep.

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You know what today's hip-hop music needs more of? Piccolo solos. Really adds an extra dimension, if you ask me.
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Are we sure that gingerbread men don't have nervous systems? Because I think we'd all feel guilty if they did.
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