Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My husband coached my son’s baseball team for thefirst time this summer.  We wouldlike to have an end of the season party at a restaurant, such as a pizzaplace.  Is it appropriate to askeveryone to pay for themselves and their child, or is it protocol for the coachto host and pay for everyone?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is fine to expect everyone to pay for his ownmeal at the after party.  If youthink there will be some question about who is paying be up front aboutit.  You can do this by sending outan email announcing the party, and at the end say something like “Dutch treat.” 

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

We raised our kids to always eat at the dining roomtable but occasionally we would sit in front of the TV if there were a specialprogram we all wanted to watch. Now, we have an elderly aunt living with us,and during the day when she's home alone, she eats in her chair in front of theTV. And the reason I know this is because of the spots and crumbs in front ofher chair. She always drops food on the floor when we eat in the dining room.Since she is 86, is it rude of us to ask her to eat in the dining room, or dowe let it go and clean up the spot? Also, what is the best way to ask her tonot eat in the living room?

G.P.

Dear G.P.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I read your columnon Facebook last week about people posting every detail of their relationshipsin the “Status” column.  I want toshare something that happened to me, and see what you think.  I met someone and he asked me out on adate.  I found out that he was 42years old from looking at his Facebook page.  On our date he asked me my age, guessing I was in my late20s.  When I told him he was only22, he was not thrilled about it. A day after our date I looked on his Facebook page and I saw that heposted the year I was born on his page, and was soliciting opinions on myage.  Do you think that is rude?

A.P.

Dear A.P.,

Yes I do thinkthat is rude.  If he is interestedin you he should not care about what any of his “Facebook Friends” say aboutit.  If he is unsure that you couldhave a good relationship because of your age difference a more appropriate wayto solicit opinions is to ask his friends in a private setting.

Being discreet is something that eludes a lot of people, but is something that everyone appreciates. 

An occasion I always remember is an etiquette speaker that had just spoken at an event for my husband’s fraternity. (This was before I got into the manners business.) We were in charge of taking her to a pre-event, and one of the men took off his coat and placed it on a chair.  In front of everyone she told him that he put his coat down incorrectly and showed him how to do it the right way. Everyone standing there (my husband and I included) were all between 22 and 25 at the time, and at that age you get especially embarrassed by someone correcting you in front of your peers.

After spending time with her over the years at variousevents, we learned that this “etiquette expert” does not care how big or small the offense is – she is going to make sure that you know that you did something wrong.  She obviously thinks she is the etiquette police, but the irony of it all is that she is being very rude by correcting people. 

The definition of etiquette is making people feel comfortable, and I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable than having someone tell you that you just committed an etiquette crime.  A coat over a chair – let it go.  I would never correct anyone’s bad manners in private or in public, unless the person is mychild or in one of my classes. Good manners mean being discreet, and I have some ways that you can help people without embarrassing them.  Let’s call this list the Mrs. McVeigh’s list of ways to be discreet.

For all of the below offenses, if you are female and see something that another female needs to know about, then take her aside and tell her to where only she can hear you.  If you are female and see something that a male should know, try to enlist the help of another man that you trust, and vice-versa.

·     If you see someone with toilet paper on her shoe, quietly tell her.

·     If you see a run in a woman’s panty hose, let it go.  More than likely she does not have another pair, and willstress about it all day or night.

·     If you see a new stain on someone’s clothing then get soda water, take the person aside, and help him or her get it out. If it does not come out completely then tell him that it is notnoticeable.

·     If you see an old stain on a person’s clothing, then say nothing unless he has an outfit change with him.

·     If someone has a zipper down then take him aside in private and tell him.

·     If someone has an unbuttoned button tell him in private.  If a button is missing, let it go.

·     If someone tells a story wrong, let it go - unless they are on a witness stand.

·     If you notice someone has an earring missing, pull her aside quietly and tell her and help her find the missing earring.

·     If someone uses incorrect table manners, say nothing.

·     If you need to tell your child to quiet down or correct him at the table in a publicplace, give him a discreet hand signal instead of yelling at him in front ofeveryone.

·     If a spouse is being loud or says something inappropriate, quietly tell him or givehim a signal that only he can hear. (Not including kicking the person under the table.  Everyone can tell when that happens.)

Here are just a few ways to help the people around you feel more comfortable. If I ever am at a party with you and you tell me that I have toilet paper on my shoe in front of everyone, I will not tell you how rude you are acting.  The reason is because I will be trying my best not to embarrass you as much as you just embarrassed me.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I am a really big Facebook user, and it seems like peoplelike to report every detail of their relationships.  I have seen engaged friends who change their status from “Engaged”to “It’s Complicated” just because they had a fight.  Do you think we have gotten to the point where people are giving way too much information? Do I really need to know every fight and comment that couples have with one another?  I think it is also really rude.  What is your opinion on this?

Facebook Fan

Dear Facebook Fan,

I think that is rude and disrespectful to your significant other, and in bad taste to air your dirty laundry on Facebook, or any other forum such as this.  Relationship issues should be kept between two people. If someone is having problems, confiding in a friend in person or by phone is fine, but e-mails are dangerous, and Facebook is down right inappropriate.  Next time you have a friend change his or her relationship status, call him and ask him if he needs someone to talk it over with. Maybe he will get into that habit and stop publicly criticizing his significant other.

         Mytwo older sons have a tough adjustment period to one another every summer.  It takes them 2 – 3 weeks to get usedto being around each other 24 hours a day.  They have always gotten along very well, and were at onetime best friends. During this adjustment period they can get along when it isjust the two of them, but add in our youngest son, and/or a friend or two, andit leads to trouble. 

Itnot pleasant to hear them argue with each other at home, but when we are inpublic, I just about lose it when I hear them fight.  I am very embarrassed that they would cause a scene and carryon in front of other people.  Thewhole world does not need to hear their petty issues with one another.  One day we are driving as a family toan outing, and I am giving them the “don’t fight in public” talk before wearrive to our destination.  Myhusband then interjected the real reason why people should not fight in public– it makes other people feel very uncomfortable. 

Wehave all been there.  You are outto dinner with another couple and they get into a fight.  You and your spouse just look at oneanother, and then look down, not knowing what to do or say.  You end up looking at your food insilence, and pray that the couple will quickly kiss and make-up.  When they don’t an uncomfortablesilence occurs, and you try to bring up a new subject.  The only one discussing it with you atfirst is your spouse.  One personout of the fighting couple then realizes he or she better salvage the situationand tries to jump in, but it just isn’t that real of a discussion.  The whole evening gets cut short andends up a disappointing disaster.

 Two days later the point that my husbandwas trying to make to our sons was perfectly reiterated.  They go on a play date with somebrothers, and the brothers get into a fight.  As a result of their behavior, the brother’s mom cuts the playdate short.  When my kids get homethey say they wish they could have stayed longer.  I ask them how they felt when their friends were fightingwith one another.  They said theyfelt uncomfortable, so I then had an opportunity to drive my husband’s pointhome once again.   Theyadmitted it was embarrassing to hear them fight, and the light bulb in theirhead goes on. 

Lookingat the positive, I am glad that they have one another to fight with, so we canteach these type of lessons now that they will carry with them when they getolder.  In the car that day Iexplained to them that their father and I sometimes get mad at one another, butwe wait until we get home to “discuss” it.  No one wants to hear children fight with each other, andthey certainly do not want to hear adults fight with one another.  Overall it is very uncomfortable forthose around them, and just is not good manners.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My husband’s stepfather does nothave any children of his own, has been in my husband’s family his whole adultlife, and is the most involved grandfather to our children.  My mother-in-law invited us over Sundayto celebrate Father’s Day, and when my husband’s biological father found out wewent to their house before going to his house, he was very hurt and upset.  He barely spoke to us the rest of theday after we mentioned where we had been.

Were we wrong to do this?  Should we have celebrated with thestepfather another day?  We have agood relationship with my mother and father-in-law, and they get along okaytoo, but this seemed to really hurt my father-in-laws feelings.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

 I think it is fine that you went to both the father andstepfather’s houses to celebrate Father’s Day.  I suggest your husband has a talk with his biological dadand see why it bothers him so much. If he says that this man was not your husband’s father, your husband canexplain that it is more for the grandchildren, and that this is your way ofthanking him for being a part of your children’s lives.  Moving forward if you want to go to thestepfather’s house again next year, I think you have every right to do so.  Hopefully your husband’s biologicalfather will understand your point of view and accept it.

         Myhusband and I are at an end of the season sports team party for one of oursons.  The coach just finishedgiving his speech and congratulating the team. Kids are done eating, aresuddenly restless, and start to run around the tables and the restaurant.  I look at my husband and tell him toquickly say his goodbyes!  I grabmy two children and make a beeline for the door before my children decide thatthey cannot resist the fun.

         Afterthat scene I think back to all of the times that I have had to make a quickexit out of a place.  When my threekids were little - to my friends’ dismay - I was the mom who actually carriedout my threats to leave playgroup if my kids did not behave.  After a few incidents I learned toleave even faster before my kids could make an even bigger scene with a tempertantrum in front of everyone.  Nowthat they are older if they have an issue and are about to lose it, I quietlycoach them to “keep it together” until we get to the car. Does this cut into myfun and social time when I am out? Yes, but I feel like it is a parent’s job to make sure that his or herchildren don’t ruin a good time for other people. The temptation is to take thechild aside and give him “one more chance” - about five times - but that obviouslydoes not work.

         Whydoes it seem that parents think it is acceptable for young people to misbehavein public?  Why as parents do wepush the limit and put our fun and enjoyment before others?  I know you want to finish your meal butplease be aware that other people are not enjoying their meals if your child ismisbehaving.  If I see someonetrying hard to disipline his child in a public setting, I never feel resentfulof the child disrupting the restaurant or event.  Children need to be put into public situations so they canlearn how to behave.  I do find itdisturbing when a child is allowed to be rude or loud in a public place and theparents just ignore him or her.

Iunderstand how hard it is to deal with children in public and how it is to feelso beaten down.  I am the mom whoused to go to the mall the next suburb over so when my kids acted up I did notrun into anyone that I knew.  When thetelevision show Desperate Housewivesfirst came on, as my kids are acting up in the grocery store, completestrangers would pass by and comment how my life is like the housewife with thethree nightmare sons.  My kids andmy parenting skills are obviously far from perfect, but I try to find thebalance in when to stay at the public place and do my best with them, and when toabandon my mission and abort immediately. It has been hard to miss out on a lot of fun, but now that my kids areolder, I am starting to see the results of my suffering.

Ifyou make a quick exit when they are young, children will see that theirbehavior is not acceptable in public, and will get sick of the consequence ofleaving the fun early. If you have ever made a fast exit out of a restaurantand have been disappointed that you did not get to finish your meal, pleaseknow that others are grateful to you for your selflessness, and you are doingthe right thing for your child, and for others.

         Areader (“Jane”) recently emailed me about being invited to a co-worker’s(“Sally”) baby shower. Ladies in their office have given Jane baby showers forall of five children of her children, which has meant one shower per year.  Jane said she is merely an acquaintanceof Sally, but feels that she has to attend the shower.  The factors include it is taking place duringlunch in the office conference room, and Sally’s office is two offices awayfrom Jane. Jane feels like she cannot skip another oneit without appearingrude.  On top of that, the hosts ofthe shower asked everyone for money towards the lunch that is taking placeduring the shower.  Jane (and a lotof her co-workers) is very frustrated about the whole situation, and I canunderstand why.

         Theofficial etiquette on baby showers beyond the first baby is if there is asecond baby, then only close friends and family should be invited to ashower.  The exception to this isif there are a lot of years between the two children.  I think an additional exception should be if you know thatthe second baby is a different gender. 

Ifyou have a friend who is pregnant and already has children, and you would liketo do something nice for her, a “sip and see” has become a common way tocelebrate the birth of a child.  Itis a party that takes place shortly after the baby has arrived, and friends andfamily gather to take a peak at the baby and congratulate the mom.  If you have not given the mother a newbaby gift, then this is a perfect opportunity to give her one.  If you already have, then an additionalgift is not necessary.  If someoneoffers to give you a shower and you already have a child, it would be fine toask for a sip and see instead.

Asfor a shower in the office, I think a shower with co-workers taking place afterwork hours in a venue other than the office is more appropriate.  One shower per co-worker should besufficient, and those who volunteer to host the shower should cover the cost ofrefreshments.  This way no one ispressured to participate in this non-related work event.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My daughter is moving out of my house and back with her father (again), and has gotten very rude and disrespectful to me and to the man that I am going to marry in two weeks.  My son (who currently lives with my husband) is even worse.  This is unacceptable to me, but I am unsure what to do about it as this point.  My ex-husband and I do not get along, so enlisting his help is not an option.  Should I keep on trying to turn their behavior and manners around, or give it a rest for a while?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

First I would tell your daughter that this is the last time that she can move out.  Choose a house and stick with it.  Also I would continue to communicate with your children about their bad manners and demand that they treat you and your new husband with kind and respectful words.  It may take them a long time but if you stand your ground and do your best, they will come around in the end. Make it clear that you are the parent, and no matter how old they are, they are the children.  They will treat all adults with respect and keep their rude thoughts in their heads. If they are disrespectful to you they are probably rude to other adults as well, so keep on top of the situation no matter how unpleasant it may be.  Remember you are their parent and not their friend, so do not worry if they are mad or dislike you. They will be grateful when they are grown adults.