"So, are you serious about this writing stuff?" my friend asked. "I mean, I know you are, but like…why do you do it?”

I thought for a moment; how could I explain this?

"See, it's like . . . . “

(Dream sequence music)

You see, one day, it will happen for me and they’ll make a movie about it.

Some kind, benevolent editor will be slumming through her slush pile one lazy Thursday afternoon, and keep chancing upon this certain envelope. No matter how many times it's thrown back in the pile, out it pops. So the editor; played by Selma Hayek, (it's my dream) opens it. The tinkle of small bells, the ones you hear when magical twists of fate invade the plot. Maybe a faint glow of green light from the open envelope. She begins to read.

Her bosom begins to heave as she. . . . whoops! Wrong Selma story.

She smiles at first as she reads through the piece, then begins to laugh out loud. The poor, underpaid, overworked assistant editor, played by Johnny Depp (my wife will insist Johnny is in this movie. In any movie, for that matter.), will stick his head in Selma's office to see what all the fuss is about. He'll be buck neck-ed.

"This piece," Selma will gasp, "is great." Then they'll do it, but in a PG-13 rated context.

Selma tries to call the writer but finds the phone disconnected. Then a whole bunch of goofy things happen until they find the writer, played by. . . . um . . . a young Fabio (hush), living under an overpass with his dog. He's making about four bills a week with signs that are variations on the "work for food" thing.

Selma and Johnny get Fabio cleaned up, and bring him to the Managing Editor of the newspaper syndicate. They sign the stud to a sweet deal; 1000 papers to start, etc, etc. With some of his advance, Fabio buys a beautiful diamond necklace. On a starlit summer night, out on the penthouse balcony of the Grand Shindig Hotel, he opens the box and shows Selma the necklace.

"Oh, my," she says, "it's beautiful."

"Really?" he asks. It requires ten takes for Fabio to get the line right.

"Oh, yes," Selma says, drooling with anticipation.

"Good," Fabio says, nodding assuredly. And then he runs into the hotel room and gives the necklace to Johnny. They embrace and the scene helps them capture the Oscar the following February. They live happily ever after. At least until the sequel.

Okay, go to the "return from dream sequence" music because this dream is getting away from me a bit...

(Return from dream sequence music)

". . . . it's like, hard to explain. I just have to."